Other than schoolwork, I think things are going fine. I’m still grounded as heck, but it’s not so bad. Actually, I’m learning a lot of new songs on piano, and I have more time to spend with my family. Sometimes everyone leaves me at home and things can get boring, but mostly, I find things to do.

Nothing romantic’s going on. Daniel’s on my mind, but I still feel bad about Trey leaving. It’s kind of funny, but when I have both of them in the same room, I’d much rather talk to Daniel than Trey any day. I think he’s just easier to get to know. On the bus this morning it occurred to me that maybe I don’t even really like Trey at all. When I think about Trey in my head I picture the same scene over and over again. In the scene he’s driving me home, and then later on that night he picks me up and we run away together for no reason. However, when I see him in real life, he’s not even the same person. I’ve always made him out to be someone similar to Noah from The Notebook,  or a Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. But he’s not.

Daniel is much more down to earth. I think this is mostly because I got to know him before I began to like him. When I make up little scenarios in  my head, he’s always the same. My whole romantic life, men have always been sort of uneasy around me. They get all awkward and lanky, and things always go downhill. What if this time things were different? What if we became really good friends before making any romantic moves? It seems like  it’d be for the better.

I’m hoping to get a chance to figure out how Daniel feels for me this Tuesday. He’s going with us to a “Worship Under The Stars” things. (W.U.T.S) We’ll be spending some time together late at night in this park. Doesn’t it sounds romantic? Lanterns. The faint aroma of food and flowers mixed together. Music. It would be AWESOME if I could get him alone for a while. Since Lencha’s coming with me and she doesn’t know anyone, that probably won’t be happening. But you know, Lencha’s pretty smart when it comes to sensing “the spark.” I bet you a quarter she finds some excuse and abandons Daniel and I together off in some corner.

Okay, another concern. All my friends are getting their permits. I’m way older than most of them, and I still haven’t learned to drive. These last few years they’ve done so much for me, and I haven’t given them anything in return. Sure, I know friendship is supposed to come with no strings attached, but still. After so long I feel in dept to them. I figured that when I got my own car and learned to drive, I’d give them rides everywhere. It’s so stressful thinking that maybe they’ll learn before I do. Then what? What do I do? The only thing I can think of is wait until they need me.

 Ugh, there goes a chunk of time I could have used to finish an essay.

See you ’round invisible readers. I’ll keep you posted.

   So sophomore year is over in around four days. I’m doing horrible in school. There’s been all this romance-gone-bad drama. My friends drift back and forth between moods, and It’s all very confusing. Meh. I refuse to allow this blog to take a negative turn, and therefore propose a change of subject. 

  Boys. Why not? Seems harmless enough.  Well, of late, I’ve become fond of a certain someone. He’s a sweet valedictorian with an awesome sense of humor. Too bad he’s graduating. In order to avoid devastating heartbreak, I compromise. 

Don’t judge me. 

The second choice is not necessarily second best. He’s completely different. Lets call him Lion (his name sounds like “lion.”) He’s also got a great sense of humor and is tall, and all that jazz, but he’s got his own special qualities as well. He plays piano really well, is a Christian, loves the same music as me, and is completely unpredictable. Best of all? I think he likes me. Eeek!  

Yes, I know I sound girly.  

In other news, I’m attempting to write a short book with some friends. It’s not really turning out the way I’d intended, but everyone seems dedicated nonetheless. There are four stories, soon to be five, with their own perspectives. 

The first story is Muya, a e girl who loses her family in an invasion. She becomes feral for a while and then runs into a Mage and forest nymph. (a male nymph… what’s the word… N-something?) The boy-nymph’s name is Astor. Sure enough they fall in love and travel together. At some point we run into everyone else and search for some evil force that we have to defeat. I’m trying to model this character after Athena a little bit. I think I’ll have to change a lot though.  

The second character, whom I find to be a retarded idea from the very beginning, is Azure. He has all these dreams relating to some quest he has to go on, but for the first, like, HALF, of the book he doesn’t do anything. 

Kiche (I like to pronounce it Kee-cheh, though I’m the only one that does) is a woman from a really evil/ abusive town. She gets beat up walking home one day and passes out. Her memory blacks out and she wakes in a pool of blood that isn’t hers. Turns out she transforms into a ram-like beast when she gets hurt really badly or becomes enraged. She’s banished from her city and somehow runs into Astor and I. 

Chihoshi. I hate that name. It’s retarded to name our fictional characters after asian influences. Nothing against Japan, but there isn’t anything like that In our story. Maybe if we were writing a manga or an anime or something it would be appropriate, but in the novel? Seems off.  Anyway, Chihoshi gets her name from this guy she barely remembers, and then runs into him ten years later. He’s being beat up by some guy, and she rescues him and takes him to a healer’s. 

I’m hoping later on Astor will have his own chapters from his perspective, but for now, four’s enough. 

Lets see. Anything else new? Hmm…  A birthday passed I guess. I’m also really into archery right now. If anyone has any information on constructing an armature bow, please leave a comment. 

Not that anyone reads these.

I’ve gotten rid of it.

(notice the lack of a topic related to the title, “I love you.”)

  On that note, I’ve been upset over Jake’s sexual preferences. The issue is that he has none. He has no sexual desire to do anything. He never kisses me goodbye, and he never hugs me unless I hug him. I’ve been the one making all the moves, and so I decided to conduct an experiment. I haven’t made any moves or suggestive commentsin over a week, and what’dya know, nothing’s happening,

  I think that he just isn’t old enough and hasn’t developed a sex drive. It’s even odd having him hold my hand because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and I don’t think he really wants to be doing anything anyway.

    I think this is bothering  me so much because of what I forced myself to do in past relationships. It all started with my second boyfriend near the orchestra room in middle school. He and I were flirting and playing around and then he kissed me. I wasn’t really familiar with it, but kept going anyway. I didn’t enjoy any of it, especially when he started licking me and stuff. This continued onward into my second relationship where a sort of “snowball process” began to take place. He was overly sensual and would do things to me I didn’t even know you could do. He would stroke my hand, and kiss my neck in a way that made me go crazy. After we broke up we were able to get along. He and I are still friends today, and he continues to influence me a lot. He was the one who made me into what I guess you could call “kinky.” We never had sex, mind you, we just often talked about dirty topics.

  One two skip a few, and we end up at a certain someone who is mostly related to what I was previously talking about. I guess I went out with this guy because he was real. He didn’t hide his emotions and when he had an opinion, he let everyone know what it was. We were alone and we did things. I didn’t want to do a lot of what he wanted to do, but I did something because I felt obliged. I was trying to be a good girlfriend. And now, I can never tell anyone what I’ve had to go through, or what I think of myself. I know that my friends who know look down on me, and I don’t blame them. There’s always going to be this burning guilt hovering over me. The saddest part is that I’ve tried so hard to forget everything that happened between that boy and I, that the actual person I was with is just a figure in my memory. I’ve intentionally forgotten his personality and emotions towards me, and all the remains is the acts that we committed together. He’s not a bad person, I just didn’t know how to say no.

   Jake isn’t a bad person either. In fact,  he is the most noble person I know. He refuses to see women as sexual tools andhas the utmost respect for us. I love him endlessly, and I really don’t understand why every other girl on this planet isn’t in love with him as well.

   I’m just irritated that he is so innocent. I have no self control and i’m a very passionnate and physical person. When he looks away, or refuses to kiss back, it makes me feel like a whore, and as if he doesn’t like me. I often feel like he doesn’t really like me very much anymore and that this relationship is founded on pity. He never says “I love you,” because he doesn’t. I respect that he won’t lie to me, but it still hurts.

   It bothers me most that he won’t pretend to love me the way I forced myself to love so many others. It bothers me that he refuses to touch me the way i made myself touch them. It bothers me that the one time I actually do love someone, and I really do want to touch them, he doesn’t want either.   It bothers me that he doesn’t want me.

You don’t know about the things I’ve seen and touched.

You don’t know about the things i’ve coughed up and swallowed.

You don’t know about the things I’ve heard and spoken about.

I know you

I know how you walk and speak

the way you think and the perspective that you take

I know what you enjoy and all the things you like to do

and I know about the things you refuse to do, and haven’t done.

I know that you don’t know that I know you.

I know that I will never let you know me.

 I had absolutely no intention of ever falling in love with one of my best friends, and yet I did. I didn’t like him at first; at all really. But over time, he grew on me. A few months later, he was all I could think about. I loved him in a different way. It wasn’t lusty and urgent, but it was consistent, and strong.

   There was a friend that was moving away around the time we split up, this guy and I. We were both upset over the loss of a good friend, and romance seemed to much to handle.

    I took the breakup pretty well I think. An hour after it happened, we were at the pool, swimming and having fun like we used to, Everything seemed alright. We’d get back together eventually.

   He didn’t dump me for nothing. I had known he was Bi-sexual, but I didn’t know that he had gone completely gay. He left me for another friend of mine, and I didn’t find out until three months later, after all of my friends did.

   The worst part is that two years later, I still feel for him. He changed my perspective on certain things. He was a huge influence on who i’ve become. He’s a part of me, and it really fucking sucks that i’ll never be a part of him.

   No matter how close I stand to him, or how fondly i touch him, nothing changes. I’m so close to him, and yet i’m the farthest away. Powerless. He is the only person I can submit to happily, and the only person I can respect. I’m most comfortable around him, and we both have the most fun. He’s stronger than me, and I don’t care for once. When we move together, it’s so fluid and natural, and yet, there’s this barrier.

   I love someone else.

  And he loves something else.

  I will never go back to him.

  But I’ll always wish that somehow I could.

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venting venting venting venting venting venting venting ughh

he’s still doing it

vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent

i think he’s done now.

sorry readers.

  Here’s a picture of my leg for you guys:

I guess this is a good oportunity to browse other people’s blogs, and make mine a bit more interesting. The latter is going to prove difficult since there hasn’t been any recent events worth mentioning.

It’s windy outside. Perfect weather for tarping.
For those of you who don’t know what tarping is, which is most likely all of you, then feel free to watch this video.

This is not my video, but it’s the closest thing i could find that resembles what we’ve been doing.

Only three or four more hours until my friends return home from school. It seems like forever. —sigh—

Later blog-people.