Whispers

I don’t think I’ll be eating a mango again for a long, long while.

  On that note, I’ve been upset over Jake’s sexual preferences. The issue is that he has none. He has no sexual desire to do anything. He never kisses me goodbye, and he never hugs me unless I hug him. I’ve been the one making all the moves, and so I decided to conduct an experiment. I haven’t made any moves or suggestive commentsin over a week, and what’dya know, nothing’s happening,

  I think that he just isn’t old enough and hasn’t developed a sex drive. It’s even odd having him hold my hand because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and I don’t think he really wants to be doing anything anyway.

    I think this is bothering  me so much because of what I forced myself to do in past relationships. It all started with my second boyfriend near the orchestra room in middle school. He and I were flirting and playing around and then he kissed me. I wasn’t really familiar with it, but kept going anyway. I didn’t enjoy any of it, especially when he started licking me and stuff. This continued onward into my second relationship where a sort of “snowball process” began to take place. He was overly sensual and would do things to me I didn’t even know you could do. He would stroke my hand, and kiss my neck in a way that made me go crazy. After we broke up we were able to get along. He and I are still friends today, and he continues to influence me a lot. He was the one who made me into what I guess you could call “kinky.” We never had sex, mind you, we just often talked about dirty topics.

  One two skip a few, and we end up at a certain someone who is mostly related to what I was previously talking about. I guess I went out with this guy because he was real. He didn’t hide his emotions and when he had an opinion, he let everyone know what it was. We were alone and we did things. I didn’t want to do a lot of what he wanted to do, but I did something because I felt obliged. I was trying to be a good girlfriend. And now, I can never tell anyone what I’ve had to go through, or what I think of myself. I know that my friends who know look down on me, and I don’t blame them. There’s always going to be this burning guilt hovering over me. The saddest part is that I’ve tried so hard to forget everything that happened between that boy and I, that the actual person I was with is just a figure in my memory. I’ve intentionally forgotten his personality and emotions towards me, and all the remains is the acts that we committed together. He’s not a bad person, I just didn’t know how to say no.

   Jake isn’t a bad person either. In fact,  he is the most noble person I know. He refuses to see women as sexual tools andhas the utmost respect for us. I love him endlessly, and I really don’t understand why every other girl on this planet isn’t in love with him as well.

   I’m just irritated that he is so innocent. I have no self control and i’m a very passionnate and physical person. When he looks away, or refuses to kiss back, it makes me feel like a whore, and as if he doesn’t like me. I often feel like he doesn’t really like me very much anymore and that this relationship is founded on pity. He never says “I love you,” because he doesn’t. I respect that he won’t lie to me, but it still hurts.

   It bothers me most that he won’t pretend to love me the way I forced myself to love so many others. It bothers me that he refuses to touch me the way i made myself touch them. It bothers me that the one time I actually do love someone, and I really do want to touch them, he doesn’t want either.   It bothers me that he doesn’t want me.